Beach Blanket Blandness: MTV Portrays Laguna Beach Students as A-List Losers

I watch “Laguna Beach,” the so-called reality show on MTV, with the same mixture of horror and fascination you feel when you’re slowly driving by a really bad car crash. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help it.

I recognize the beaches. I recognize downtown. I recognize the Surf and Sand Hotel. But I don’t recognize any of these characters. Because these teenagers have to be characters. They can’t be real high school kids. At least I hope and pray that they’re not.

My son is only 10, so I don’t know many high school-aged kids. But if the students at Laguna Beach High School are really anything like that, if that's the top of the social strata, we may have to move.

If you believe what you see, life in Laguna Beach is just one car ride in a BMW after another. It’s all about eating in restaurants, figuring out where the next party is, shopping, tanning, talking about who’s doing whom, and flinging lots of blond hair around (not that there’s anything wrong with that, I say, making a mental note to call Tori and see if I can get in on Saturday for highlights.)

Last night’s episode was the worst so far. The group had high-tailed it down to Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break. We see Kristen and her buddy Lo talking on the plane. Kristen is intent on “hooking up” with somebody, some how, some way in Cabo. Uh, and what about her boyfriend, Stephen? He needs to loosen up, apparently. The recurring theme becomes “What happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo.”

Just about the time we were wondering, “Where the hell are the parents in all this?” Kristen and LC’s fathers appear as if on cue. And even though these two beach blondshells are mortal enemies, caught in a tug-of-war with pretty-boy-loser Stephen, their dads just happen to be hanging out together. Not in Cabo, mind you – it didn’t look like any parents were around, just their money – no, the dads were back in Laguna.

“I told Lauren (LC) that she needed to be the mother down there, keep everyone in line,” said Lauren’s dad.

Kristen’s dad just shook his head. “I’m just trying to rein Kristen in,” he laughed.

Cut to Cabo, where Kristen is humping a pole on top of the bar, taunting Stephen about the lap dance she just gave a new friend. Stephen lurches after her, yelling about what a slut she is. They seem to break up (how come, I wonder) and Stephen hangs out the rest of the time in Cabo with LC, but mouths “I love you” to Kristen at dinner. Nice. The previews for next week show our young lovers on the beach talking about how great it is that they’re back together. At least we’ve got that to look forward to.

But the real low point in this week’s show wasn’t the poll dancing, wasn’t the drinking, wasn’t the random “hooking up,” wasn’t the total absence of any sign of intelligence, wit, or concern beyond their next trip to South Coast Plaza. No, it was in the earlier scenes, when the girls were in major prep mode for the Cabo trip, which included several try-on sessions at local bikini shops, naturally. (“Can I get this with a small bottom and a large top?” Kristin asks.)

But no, that’s still not the bad part. What really set my teeth on fire (a fine phrase borrowed from my husband) was the scene in which the girls go to the tanning salon, and why wouldn’t they, since they’re about to go on vacation?

Stretched out in their new bathing suits, little protective goggles adjusted just so, the next thing we hear is the chirp chirp of first one cell phone, then another. We watch, in disbelief, as the girls settle in for a cell-phone gabfest while they’re irradiating themselves in tanning tombs. I guess having a meditative moment to yourself – even if only when you’re tanning – just isn’t part of these girls’ agenda.

As Alex Williams notes in a New York Times article on October 10, 2004,

“The current fascination with Orange County taps the need Americans seem to have to create a bubble in which playful adolescent fantasies can act themselves out in the sun, removed from any real-world complications like war, unemployment or split ends.”

To be fair, at least Trey seems to have a smidgeon of consciousness underneath all that tousled hair – he’s organizing a non-profit for young people, though its objectives remain unclear. Why eat up valuable screen time with something as boring as that when you can show squabbling at the fire pit or petulant surf lessons? Another girl character, I can’t remember which one – she had dark hair – was spilling a few tears after learning that she hadn’t been accepted by the one and only university to which she’d applied. (How dumb is that? – Again, where the hell are the parents in these situations?)

Since these are high school students, you may be wondering, where are all the Fast Times at Laguna Beach High. There aren't any. That's because there was a major small-town uproar when MTV got behind-the-scenes permission from the School Board to go in and – gasp – film at the Laguna Beach High School. Well, that permission was pulled faster than you can say “surf's up” when the rest of the parents got wind of it.

Of course that put nary a damper on the MTV cast and crew, who managed to find alternative locations to stage the dramas that make up (or purport to make up) these kids’ lives. That at least explains, in part, why school seems to play such an insignificant role. MTV wasn’t allowed to go there. But it doesn’t explain why we never see anyone reading a book, going to a bookstore, or even sitting behind a computer.

I hope that they regret the day they sold their souls to MTV and became pseudo actors (really lousy ones, at that). And I hope – for their sakes – that is really is just bad acting and not their real lives.

Actually, I know all Laguna Beach high school students aren’t like this, because I recently saw an encouraging feature story in our local Laguna Lifestyle magazine about a young lady who loves school, makes good grades, sings in the choir, works with underprivileged children, volunteers at the hospital, and has only one closet, as far as I could tell.

And that's good news, because I really don’t want to move.

Comments

[Courtney]

I absolutly love Laguna Beach. My favorite person is LC. She's gorgeous and has an awesome personality. I like how she finally punks Jason and don't take his stuff anymore! Her house is so big and nice. She deserves someone who will treat her good. And I think that Jason was right for her. Not until he gets caught kissing his exgirlfriend Jessica, who I hate. I think Kristen is really pretty, but she's totally mean. I wait every Monday night to see this show, and am excited to see a new episode next time.

[holly]

I still think Kristin is a total bitch.

[Brooke]

I love the show, I think its totally cool and Stephan is super hott!

[Brooke]

I love the show, I think its totally cool and Stephan is super hott!

[Ashly]

I think Talon is incredebly hott. I wish I could be with him.

[emily]

I have a friend that went to califnornia and met a kid who went to school with those people and said half the show was staged and that kristen isn't bitchy at all in real life

[Danielle]

I Am so obsess with Lauren (LC) she is so cool and fab her style is also cassual

[Ben]

Actually, it is a pretty accurate portrayal of a teenager's life (not just teenagers in Laguna Beach, mind you). Obviously the criticism is coming from an adult who was a social outcast as a teenager. All we do is party, school is what happens in between. Get use to it.

[Jasmine]

I am literally obsessed with the show Laguna Beach! I am even more obsessed with Kristin! I wear black choker..got my hair cut the same..she so freakin awesum..she bitchy then super wild!I love it!

[steve]

LOL, funny. You better move. I grew up in Laguna Beach and that is a pretty accurate potrayal of what some people live like there.

[Gerard Van der Leun]

Oh, that is great. Really great, and I don't say that just because I am who I am.

It also saves me the trouble of writing about it because, well, you do it so much better. And because just thinking about it makes my teeth flame up.