aka monique

Monique Gets Mail

From time to time, Monique will share with you, cher readers, some of the personal correspondence moi receives.

Non, these are not little threads Monique plucks from the fabric of her mind, these are the genuine designer label.

From DL, September 16, 2004

I laughed out loud at least 10 times. Do you know how hard that is??? Do you know how infrequently I laugh out loud when I read comedy??? Usually, I'll sit through page after page with a pleasant smile.... but an out-loud-laugh? Very rarely. Even with Sedaris.

10 TIMES. At Least.

I got half-way through "I Married...", and then went to lunch... I was sitting there, minding my own business... when Grandpa Buck came to mind and I laughed out loud again. Someone actually looked up at me - I swear.

I spent the last half hour trying to think of a unique, creative way to tell you how good you are... Forget it. I gave up and figured I'd just tell you like it is:

A female Sedaris? Sadly, I can't say that.

Because you are better. Way better. I am in awe. I truly didn't want the articles to end. Somehow, you write exactly what my brain wants to laugh at. You cross over boundaries that I didn't know existed - am I making sense at all?

You have "it".
PLEASE don't stop writing.

From WS, July 30, 2004

I’ll never think about goldfish in the same way.

From Martha via Showcase, July 30, 2004

Nice romp of a fantasy there.

From Slimedog via American Digest, July 30, 2004

Are these REAL people? Are there other real people that care about all this? I didn’t realize the print world was also full of bandwidth-eating a$$holes.

Please don’t tell us when they decide that it would be unconscionable to buy large jars of mayonnaise at Costco.

From AKA Frank, July 27, 2004

you really can write! are you sure you're not really DS? and aka is indeed your alias?

hmmmmmm

From BM, July 20, 2004

Very amusing and yes, lol stuff. Somethings I wouldn't quite get, but thought it was hilarious.
Thanks for sharing.

From PJ, July 13, 2004

very funny.

From Jeffrey Frank, The New Yorker

David is one of our regular writers, so we cannot print a piece--even a comical one--about him.

Sincerely,
Jeffrey Frank

From EO, June 30, 2004

Ah, sweet scribe,

I like this. Nice idea, nicely done.
Things get funny when you meet Sedaris and discuss your marriage.

Chicken Soup for Sluts is very, very nice.

From BA, June 29, 2004

It’s very funny. My favorite line was the one about you being dragged across the stage by your hair.

Adieu, dear David, Adieu, my darling.

Yes, dear readers, I have had to accept what the fates have dealt me, and in this case, that is an empty hand. (I'll bet Hank has something in his hand, though.)

But, moi is not one to sit around being bitter, no moi is not! So, in closing this particular chapter, I will share with you my farewell letter to him.

Dear David,

The time has come at last, mon cher, to say goodbye. Our long separation has become much too painful, and I must get on with my life.

Don’t worry about the twins, they’re adjusting to their adopted parents just fine, and they look especially adorable in their new Kwanzaa outfits.

I will always cherish the memories of our good times, however brief they may have been. Like all the times I stood on the sidelines at your readings (while you did an amazing job of pretending like I wasn't even there, I might add.)

And I want to thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart, for giving me the inspiration to finish my next book. It didn’t take much deliberation to pick out the title: Women Who Love Gay Men Too Much.

Avec beaucoup d'amour, and Joyeux Noël,

I remain, toujours,

Monique

P.S. Please tell Hank that I am sorry for putting him through all this and I forgive him for that “incident” on the Oprah show. It was thoughtful of him to send the hats but my hair has filled in quite nicely.